Guest Post: Relationship
Please welcome my friend Rachel to my blog. She is amazing with her pen and sharing her thoughts!
Over and over my counselor said, “It's all about relationship.”
I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. Relationship? What do you mean?
First I must give this dilemma some background. I grew up in a closed environment. My mother was a private person, and though my dad was gregarious, he honored my mother's need for quiet. Many days there was only my younger brother to pal around with. If I happened to acquire a neighborhood friend, I was forced to drag my brother along – even if he didn't want to go (and he didn't). This made my life a little awkward and I kept to myself rather than disappointing my mom or hurting my brother.
Complicated.
Later, when I was older, I was able to have friends over and my brother and I were old enough to ignore the “take your brother along” rule. But when that friend and I had a misunderstanding or a fight, my mom always gave the advice “there are more fish in the sea,” or “you'll find someone else.” She may have given me better advice than “find a new friend,” but I may have been much too prideful to even listen to it.
On top of that the '70s were all about ME and “I don't need anyone to make me happy” and “I am a rock, I am an island” (Simon and Garfunkel). And let's not forget my feminist training: “I don't need a man.”
On the outside I was fiercely independent, but secretly dependent on certain friends, certain boy friends, and parents for approval, for advice, for monetary help … the list goes on and on.
And, boy, did I annoy people. If I got a compliment from someone I would say, “Thank you,” and proceed to tell them I was even better than what they just said I was. I am humbled by those memories. Pride. Huge pride, plain and simple.
But when I got married I had to figure out how to care for someone else on a day-to-day basis, how to forgive, how to overlook weaknesses, how to love (whatever that meant). I did this mostly by denial. My husband was perfect, thank you very much. Our marriage is fine, leave us alone.
But then the children started arriving and I had to train them, I had to be the bad guy, I had to own up to my own inability to make my kids behave perfectly AND make them perfectly happy.
And that's when I learned how to cry out to God. Not just me sitting in a cold stairwell at college asking God to show me the way, but me, behind a locked bathroom door, crying into my open Bible, tears warping the delicate pages, begging God to give me just one tiny piece of something I could cling to.
And He did. The more I was ready to live life His way the more He showed me how. I devoured the Bible every chance I got. I journaled my discoveries. I prayed more and more. I took long walks with Him after my husband came home to be with the children. I prayed about decisions I needed to make. I walked away from my old life, my undisciplined fantasies, my proud past.
And I started asking people for advice. I needed their advice. God opened my eyes to what they could do that I couldn't do … and I wanted to know how they did it. And in order to do that I had to – gulp – humble myself. I had to admit I actually didn't know how to do something. And some people loved to tell me how stupid I was. It was really hard.
And it just got better – and harder.
We moved to the country. Wow. Never had to live in the country before. I had to ask a lot. Is well water supposed to stain the shower? Am I supposed to accept ants in my house? Is there any way to get rid of all this poison ivy? Why are my tomatoes rotting on the bottoms? Where do I go to get my car fixed? What do I do with this dog that just showed up at my door like he lives here?
And as each explosion hit me and my family, I asked lots of questions. In fact, I had people amazed that I admitted some of the things I did – especially our struggle with foreclosure. I was brutally honest. I couldn't be embarrassed anymore. I needed people. I needed help. I can't get help unless I'm honest, real, authentic.
The road to authenticity has been rough. So often, especially when working in certain environments, we are expected to act a certain way. This makes it tough to be real, honest.
But there is a balance and God took me out of places that weren't good for me. I was laid off from the job that encouraged lying. I quit the job that encouraged gossip. And when I finally learned to work at a job on my terms, obeying God while obeying the boss, I found out I could be authentic and a good employee at the same time. I just had to accept not all people will accept me. And that's okay.
My counselor was right.
The only opinion that matters is God's. And that makes complete sense to me now. I get it. I don't have to be accepted by anybody because the most important fact is that I am accepted by God. If I have a right relationship with God everything else falls into place. It IS about relationship: My relationship with God (Genesis 1-2), my relationship with Jesus (John 3), my relationship with my spouse (Ephesians 5), my relationship with my children (Deuteronomy 6), my relationship with my friends (Mark 12) and my relationship with everyone else (Matthew 28).
Thanks for letting me write for you Cindi! I welcome comments! Mendell.rachel7@gmail.com; http://domesticmobility.blogspot.com; http://www.rachelhtmendell.com Blessings!
